people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
