Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
