allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
