that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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