I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This is my gift to your gina
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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