She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
