get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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