I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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