my soul wont recognize me after tonight
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
