Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
