My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
