new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
