I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
