drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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