i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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