I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
