I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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