My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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