Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
