mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you traded sex for a burrito?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize