maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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