I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
