I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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