we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
