oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Randomize
