So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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