she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
