Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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