the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
