I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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