remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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