We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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