just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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