Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
