It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
