I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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