you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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