How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
