no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
