saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
