never play flip cup with pint glasses
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
