This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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