It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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