Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
