Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The feeling are messing with the penis
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
