Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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