apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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