Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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