My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
