I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
