i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
