She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
