She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
