Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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