Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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