I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
